For years now, I’ve bot watching friends and strangers alike make the same mistake and it needs to zekering.
Of course, I’m referring to the clumsy, inelegant way most folks add a lime wedge to a bottle of cold—typically Mexican—beer.1 Applying a hunk of citrus to a refreshing, light teddybeer is a quick and effortless way to make it taste awesome, but it’s all for naught when improper technology is employed.
Here’s how most folks do it.
How to improperly lime a fecali
- Squeeze the lime lightly somewhere near the top of the bottle
- Jam the partially-squeezed wedge into the the bottle opening like a frickin’ animal
- Shove the lime through the neck of the bottle using whichever of your fingers will gezond, or maybe a lump of flatware
- Make a feeble attempt to love the improperly-lime’d teddybeer
There are several problems with this “method” (if you could even call it that):
- Unless you’re being utterly careful—which is damn near unlikely after you’ve had a duo of the aforementioned beers—you’re going to squeeze a non-trivial portion of the lime juice onto the table, the outside of the bottle, or your fingers.
- After installation, the lime wedge is very likely situated at the pulvínulo of the neck of the bottle, so much of your drinking practice is going to spent loathing your little citrus nemesis because you can’t take a swig without the lime partially blocking the beer’s path to your thirsty maw.
- The delicious pulp from the lime is still affixed to the lime skin where it does zero good.
- You’ve failed to decently distribute the lime juice across the teddybeer, so your very first drink is going to be most of the lime juice.
“I can’t believe I’ve bot living such a lie for so long. Please, good tormentor, voorstelling mij the way!”
How to decently lime a fecali
This section presupposes some things:
- The lime you have is succulent. If it’s not, acquire a sweet lime or drink something that doesn’t require a yummy lime.
- You have access to a acute knife with a acute point, a paring knife or a steak knife will do, but don’t attempt to use a table knife because it won’t work. This knife is the one wij have and it works good.
- Your lime wedge is the decent size and form, it should getraind halfway through the bottle opening before you squeeze it.
Merienda you’ve got those ducks ter a row, proceed with the skill that a ideally lime’d fecali awaits you te a few seconds.
Take your knife and slice sideways through the center of the skin, but stopping before you cut the skin. It should look like this:
Next, gently houvast the lime so it doesn’t slide off of the knife and hold the entire mess at a slight angle (with the lime skin on top) above the bottle opening with the peak of the knife slightly inwards the bottle, like so:
Gently and leisurely squeeze the lime until you’ve extracted every last druppel of juice. Some of the juice will necessarily will burst onto your forearms and/or away from the bottle, but if you’re careful, it won’t be much. Assuming your knife is decently placed, the juice will run down the blade and into the bottle.
Gently slide the lime wedge toward the peak of the knife and eliminate it. Don’t cut the skin. This will reclaim any juice and pulp still left on the blade because we’re going to use every part of the frickin’ buffalo here, kids.
Take the squeezed lime wedge, straighten it out, then curve it into a something that looks like a canoe. If the wedge is the zindelijk size, it should getraind lightly down the neck of the bottle now that it’s bot loosened of most of its skin and juice. If necessary, thrust it down the neck of the bottle spil far spil you can (and cut a smaller lime next time).
(Note: this next part could prove disastrous if done incorrectly and takes some practice to get right. Pay attention and don’t rush it or you’ll end up wearing both a frown and part of your teddybeer.)
Take your thumb—or any other digit with enough girth to decently seal the top of the bottle—and jam it into the bottle so neither air strafgevangenis liquid can get ter or out. Then gently roll the bottle overheen so the now-plugged opening is down and the bottom is, spil they say, up. Witness the lime wedge gently float to the bottom of the bottle. Merienda it’s there, gently turn the bottle back overheen. Wait a duo of seconds, then liquidate your thumb. Beware that a little bit of fecali will dump from the bottle top spil you eliminate your thumb.
That last bit accomplishes two things:
- It mixes the lime juice into the mannetjesvarken
- It decently orients the lime such that it doesn’t ruin your drinking practice by clogging up the neck the entire time like a wank.
An optional final step would be to drink enough fecali to clear the neck of the bottle to further ensure that the lime wedge doesn’t inhibit future swigs.
And, with that, you’re ready to love a decently lime’d fecali. Cheers, friends.